MENDING
new moon musings
It’s only 10 am and already I’ve yelled at the dog. I know she’s having a hard time—a stranger has come over to the house, this has always been hard for her—and I am upset at myself for my frustration taking the lead anyway. I retreat to my room in shame. I know I have to forgive myself in order to move forward but I am too deep in the shame to get there. I keep thinking, It’s only 10 am and already I’ve yelled at the dog. And the spiral gets tighter and faster.
In my room I decide to mend a blanket that the dog’s nail snagged and tore a hole into. I sink into the quiet trance of stitching. I think about the advice I’ve heard given to new mothers that if you’re too frustrated to help your crying baby, put the baby somewhere safe and step away for a few to regather yourself. I am regathering the torn threads of the blanket and also the torn threads of myself. I didn’t know I was A Yeller until we got our dog. I discovered a new side of myself in the 6+ months of rock bottom that was the beginning of our adding-a-dog-to-our-multicat-house journey. I didn’t realize how the re-parenting of the self journey would expand alongside this new caretaking role. I didn’t realize I would hear other people’s voices coming out of my mouth in my lowest moments of frustration and overstimulation. I would lose my self control and yell and then sink into the deepest shame and self hatred and worry that I wouldn’t be able to stop.
Contrary to anxiety, turns out I am able to stop. I don’t yell at the dog much anymore. My therapist said yesterday that it doesn’t matter how long we’ve been doing something, we can choose at any moment to change.
Now when I yell I know it’s a sign of something else: stress level, anxiety, emotional overload. Now when I yell I don’t feel self hatred, I feel compassion for my younger self who subconsciously learned that yelling is the way. I feel love for my self who learned to apologize to the dog for yelling. I feel love for my self who is still learning nervous system regulation at 29. I still feel ashamed but I am forgiving myself faster. And the yelling happens less and less. And the spiral expands and slows down.
When we choose to mend, to repair, we are making a declaration of worth. We are saying, this is worthy of being tended to, this is valuable enough to me to mend, to spend time and effort on.
I am mending the blanket and mending myself.
Many blessings to all that we are mending,
XOXO Katelyn